Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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