My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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