Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
