She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
