If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
