my phone needs a breathalizer
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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