This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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