I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
