mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
