i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize