Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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