I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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