I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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