I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
