I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
as a side note pls kill me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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