So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
