I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize