Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
