If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
my liver is dry heaving
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
