i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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