is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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