could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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