gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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