Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
