your thong is hanging out like whoa
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
