I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
