Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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