I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How's work?
Spinning.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize