Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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