I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
