Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
