Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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