he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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