Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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