I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
