either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
