If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
