So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
