running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
dude. I can hear the air.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
