put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Redeem this text for a blowjob
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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