I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
