beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
MIDGETS
????
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
