Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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