I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
