nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
