she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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