All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
