got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
