I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
