im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
