She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
