It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
