Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize