Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
