did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
