The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
