saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
