I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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