i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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