She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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