If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
