The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize