I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
