Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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