he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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