I puked a lego.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
